Being raised by a pack of wild Morris dancers isn't the most normal of beginnings, and by the time I got to secondary school I soon found that out but it's a beginning and that's where I'll start.

My life started off not to dissimilar than superman's life being beamed down from the planet Funk where my real parents still reside (they were too funky for this world) and my earth parents Mike and Wanda Wheeler found me in a pile of funk under a pile of coats in a Ceilidh somewhere in Brosley (Telford, Shropshire aka land of the webbed feet people) and thought this kid is to funky we need take the funk out of him and therefore they raised me through a Morris team (how un funky is that!!!!).

If the truth be known being brought up through a Morris team was just to cover up for bad parenting by getting everyone else to look after me including Simons (the squeezer) mom, so I soon became confused at a very early age and started to adopted other people as my parents and soon I believed I had up to fifteen mothers, was great when you wanted a bit of bittey!!!!!!!

Soon my earth parents evil plan started to work and my real funk identity was starting to fade and I was starting to become a fully fledge folky, and started to feel the need to dance with a stick in my hand naked in my garden, as all good Morris dances should (shouldn't they????).

Their had to be a turning point and I knew that funk force was deep within, things where getting bad!!! For god sake I was starting to wear corduroy!!! Then finally the begging of the end had started and funk became to strong and I decided to play the tambourine!!!!! One problem though and I'm sure this was part of my parents evil plan the tambourine was pink!!! (And can be seen being played very randomly by the likes of Simon the squeezer and also from time to time matt the blower). So there I was standing in Morris team band playing slightly funky pink tambourine watching the band leaders foot (which happened to be Simon) like my life depended on it. But some thing was calling me I needed to make a statement so I soon upgraded my pink tambourine to an uber loud drum. This would be my romance with all things loud and its where I learnt the one thing that fuels all funk filled music and that was the beat. I might have been wearing a floral waistcoat and playing in a band where most of the men had a beard with a tankered connected securely to their belt, but I had the loudest instrument and that's all that mattered.

The next move would be joining the Iron Men and Severn Guilders where my funk filled bass drum playing progressed mainly from watching Dave Hunt playing sheep skins (a lovely mixed Morris dance where they all get down and dirty!!!!) This was where I met Matt (the blower)

It wasn't long until I needed more and "wam bam thank you mam" I started to learn the drum kit, which pushed my Morris team bass drum playing to funkier heights. Soon they where dancing to my beat and it had more off beats than James Brown suffering from a bad case of the hic-ups (although most people just blamed it on my timing).

It was obvious that my earth parents where starting to worry about my new found funk and again they put together there evil plans and they made me join a percussion on ensemble and the most unfunkiest thing on the planet an orchestra not just any orchestra but Shropshire youth orchestra!!!!!! Dum dum dummmmmmmmmm.

There was light at the end of the tunnel or maybe it was just the glare off the top of his bell, and this was my first encounter with Matt the pluker. Yes matt was playing tuba in the orchestra and we that was when we first became partners in crime. I don't think bob the conductor ever got over the fact that matt and I where so wild on the early hours of a Saturday morning, little did he know but we where both heavily intoxicated from the night before most mornings!!

Anyway, time went on and I made it out of secondary school and into new college and little did I know but my partner in crime was there again which equals two more years of drunken shenagans!!! Although the funk had nearly been drained from me completely there wasn't a better breading ground than new college for super funk which I found playing in the big band. This was my first encounter with matt the pluker playing the bass.

To be continued . . . . . . . . . . .